FAQ's of SF Taxi Drivers
Originally published in newsgroup gen.opinions 1992, one of many stories from my Taxi Diaries indexed as "Muskat Muses."
Questions most frequently asked of this cabbie: (This service is provided so that in the unlikely eventuality of finding yourself in anyy cab, you may know what to ask).
Q.
"What do you *really* do for a living?"
A.'s"I'm a donor for an artificial insemination project!"
"Former brain surgeon, lost vision, too nervous."
"Devise comedy plots for Arnold Schwartzenager."
"Ghost write for Millie Bush."
"Report to your boss the stupid questions you ask."
Q."You can't be from here, where are you really from?"
A.'s"Iraq." (recent answer)
"Panama." (previous answer)
"Nicaragua." (former answer)
"Your home town - remember when you chased out the fags?"
Q."Does it snow here" (San Francisco)?
A."Yes, every winter. Occassionally in the summer."
Q."Oh my! What do you do then?"
A."Ski down hills and ice skate on the bay."
Q."That pyramid (Transamerica) looks so familiar, what is it?"
A.'s"Egyptial Consulate"
"Iraqi oil well surrounded by offices - like a human shield"
"Herb Caen's House."
"San Simeon, the Hearst Castle."
Q."Where can I find something good to eat on the Wharf?"
A.'s"Where's the Wharf?"
"I don't know."
"Nowhere"
"800' beyond the northern railing, this side of that rocky Island"
"McDonald's"
"Mrs. Fields."
Q."Is that a cable car?"
A."No, it's a street car."
Q."Is that a cable car?"
A."No, it's a cable car on wheels"
Q."Is that a cable car?"
A."No, it's a bus?"
Q."Is that a cable car?"
A."No, it's a trolly."
Q."Is that a cable car?"
A."Yes."
Q."Why is it not moving?"
A.'s"Too many tourists."
"Not enough tourists."
"It's moving, only very slow. You would too at 100.
"They're making a film & waiting for a downhill out of control trolly."
Q."Is it always this crowded."
A.'s"Yes."
"No."
"Sometimes."
Q. "Is it always this cold here?"
A.'s"Yes."
"No."
"Sometimes."
Q."Why is it so cold here?"
A."I don't know."
"It is?"
"You expect San Diego?"
"This? This is hot. Should have been here yesterday."
Q."Why are you cabbies always so surley & grouchy?"
A.'s"We are? Drop dead!"
"Too many tourists"
"Not enough tourists."
"You asked me the same stupid questions yesterday."
Statement:"The people are wonderful in San Francisco!"
Response:"Then why don't you vote like us? Jessie Jackson would
be president and Reagan would have remained a lousy mob controlled actor."